I wrote this is January. But now I feel like you should just just interchange "January" with "July". Who's feeling me??
January huh? It’s so far been 3 more weeks of my having no idea of the day or time. School holidays have both blessed and confused me with the lack of routine, but mostly I like it. I feel like I’m a different person when the earliest ‘commitment’ including others is getting to the beach for swimming lessons at 10.30am. The me in school holidays is way more relaxed (and yet still gets everything done), gives less f#$*ks about what’s for dinner (but we still eat) and is generally easier to get along with (unless, as my kids found out earlier this week, you make me late for PT. Then I’m not cool. Until after a good workout. The thing about PT is that it feels like the ‘one thing’ that is for me – 30 mins focussed on me moving my body in extraordinarily hectic ways. But my kids LOVE it. They like to ‘come with’. Which means while I do PT they hang precariously from all the gym equipment and talk incessantly to me and my trainer about themselves. The story of my life. I just remind myself that I’m demonstrating good habits by going, and at least they take the focus off me when I’m quietly (loudly) dying).
I digress. But then January has felt like an entire digression from ‘real life’ – yet somehow better. And I’m always coaching people and trying to work out what ‘holiday them’ does versus how they are usually and home/in the everyday. ‘Holiday them’ is usually cooler. Holiday me is definitely cooler (except when I’m late for PT). And I wonder, if we could HONOUR everything about the digression and notice more how differently we behave when we’re not stressed out, in survival mode and trying to manage the schedule. Not that the schedule doesn’t play a role, but to find the right one – the rhythm that matches your life – requires you to not be so busy so you can work out what it is.
So much of my value has been tied up in being busy. And yet I’m just as, if not more, effective when I calm the f#$*k down. I think I’m fearful I’ll turn into a person who ‘does nothing’ if I do nothing, and somehow that person who is not doing enough is at greater risk of missing the opportunity. I’m not sure what opportunity. But much of my doing has been previously driven by FOMO (the fear of missing out) and also that weird and useless but very common belief that if you’re not busy you’re not doing enough.
What I’ve come to realise is that the opportunity isn’t in the doing. The opportunity is in the being. In the space that opens up when you stop being so busy and honour. I’ve been going to my kinesiologist regularly for the last 8 months or so, and every time I’m a few minutes late (mostly because I’m an idealist about time – which is a good thing generally, but not so much when you leave home at the same time you need to be somewhere that takes you 5 minutes to get there), but once I get there I am still. And I lie on her table and barely open my eyes and somehow (in the magical way she works) she delivers all the answers to my questions. One of them has been about allowing emotions to surface and honouring them and I keep struggling to find the time to do that. And so of course the result of that is that the same challenges keep arising. Mostly in my body, trying to get me to slow down and honour. And the feminine is infinitely wise and intuitive, and somehow, I keep missing the opportunity to honour.
I have had many conversations this month about purpose and direction. And the biggest question that keeps arising is “Is now the right time? How would I know if I should leap now?” And we are SO good at not creating the space and the time to fully address the question, so the answer becomes clear.
Yes. Now is the right time. The time is now. And the leap is not into doing something big or huge (just yet) but into doing the biggest and hugest thing – which is stopping and honouring, creating space and emptying out everything that is not satisfying at a soul level – so that what is can arise.
And how to do this? Well, you start by creating space. Declutter a corner, a desk, a nook, a daybed. Navigate some time (yes I get there can often be little people or other big people around who may be used to your constant presence, but also there are many ways of leveraging 30 mins to yourself). You cannot tell me this is impossible. If you did I would tell you that you are resisting the very thing that will answer your questions. Or at least create the space to give you the idea of what you can do/who you can speak to/what exists to find the answers. Make a cup of tea. Light a candle or some incense. Find something you like to write in and write all the questions out. And keep writing in the space and see what arises. You cannot keep waiting for the ‘time to be right’ to do the necessary things to get clarity. The time never comes because our resistance is stronger. There will always be a justification or a digression.
The unexpressed emotion that I’ve been refusing to honour (by completely ignoring and being 90% sure in my logical brain doesn’t exist) takes up space for my creativity. It gets represented physically in ways that stop me doing exercise which shifts and moves more than just my arms and legs. It makes me resentful of others, as though somehow they are responsible for the way I feel (or don’t feel). The process of honouring is simple. And usually involves me writing it out. And suddenly in making the space I am more spacious. And there is more time. And more happens and all the opportunities open up and I am clear which ones to take and all happens in perfect time.
You are so loved You are precious You are divine You are whole You are scrumptious You are so easily adore-able You have gold and gladness inside you We need you We need your gifts We need your voice You are deeply and entirely worthy The light inside you is big and bright You don't need to waste your time second-guessing yourself Trust in the grand, magnificent miracle that you already are!