The reason he left you for someone else? Has nothing to do with you AND everything to do with you. At the same time.
This came to me, all these years later, on the day that I was celebrating a 2-year love anniversary with the real deal. This is the part where it had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with me at the same time. It seemed funny timing to even think about him on this day, in this year where I’m getting married to someone else and the day after my wedding dress arrived. But one day, which I always knew was coming, you can see it all so clearly from outside it and in context to the life you have now, and it all makes perfect sense. I also saw a post someone wrote about their ex-husband and felt her hurt still through the computer screen, and it made me realise that although she finally realises it has nothing to do with her, she might have missed the part where it has everything to do with her. And if she misses that part? Perhaps some part of her will always hurt, even whilst she thinks she’s free. So it’s for her, and you if you need it, and me.
I was so blind-sided when the truth came out. Even though I had been anxious for months, had had weird visions on my head of him and her in sticky trysts in our home, and had 2 of my best friends in the world come and tell me they were sure he was with her. But when I actually realised for sure and certain that he had chosen a 19-year old girl (hot, blonde, young, fit, Swedish girl at that) over me, it felt as though something inside of me broke. Not just my heart. But the good person I thought I was, and the loving girlfriend, and the mum and step-mum and the woman who believed in love and herself so much she (naively and vainly) imagined that being cheated on would not be one of her “things”. Comparison rose up in me like hot vomit. Her body, which had never had four children or breastfed or been alive for 40 years, was SO MUCH HOTTER than mine. Her lack of responsibilities in life made her so much more fun and interesting than me, and so much less work and so much less demanding. I figured that if I had been more fun, and less responsible (paying for the mortgage and the household bills and the au pair fee, and parenting and working and stuff) and younger and prettier and looked better in short shorts and could speak 3 languages and was from somewhere other than Ajana, perhaps I’d have been exotic enough to keep. I ruminated constantly on what they talked about (to be honest I still cannot figure this one out, but I don’t ruminate on it anymore), how she was as a step-mum to 3 girls I loved, if they ever mentioned me or if I was “off-topic” and if they ever felt bad or guilty. I stopped eating, lost weight, didn’t get any younger or more exotic and one day realised it had nothing to with me AND (even better) their intention was NEVER to hurt me. In fact, by lying, hiding and being completely deceitful until completely caught out they were actually trying to protect me from getting hurt. And if somehow they could have both disappeared out of my life together without any pain, they would have preferred this option. And they fact that neither of them was brave enough to tell to truth or sit down with me and break my heart gracefully (yes, I get the oxymoronicness of this request) had nothing to do with me. And in fact, the way it happened was perfect because I got to never speak to either of them again and when it came to him, for me, “cold turkey” was the only option.
So if this has happened to you (your version of course) here’s the truth. It has nothing to do with WHO YOU ARE or what you look like. Their choices and methodologies have everything to do with who they are (and still nothing to do with what they look like, although there are some very stereotypical cheating scenarios).
If you can embrace this you can be free.
And then there’s just one more (tiny) bit.
It has everything to do with you because it happened.
Because somehow (as fucked up as your scenario might be) it happened to you. Because somewhere in this there is something huge for you to HEAL. In yourself.
And if you can do that, you’ll truly be free.
This thing that happened was actually the start of a whole new part of my life. It was finally shitty enough for me to truly stop and take some time to heal, especially the part of me who believed it happened because of me. Because I wasn’t fun enough or pretty enough or enough enough. And the only way past that was to realise everything that relationship (and the one’s before that didn’t “work out”) taught me was preparing me for everything that would happen after.
In fact it didn’t even happen to me. It happened for me. And for everything I’m meant to do. Because I finally stopped pretending that I was OK with how it was, and compromising myself and my dreams and my children and all I believed in for some jacked-up version of love. Not that I didn’t love him (or the one’s before who didn’t “work out”) but that it was based on something I thought was missing in me, that he (and the one’s before who didn’t “work out”) could make whole.
I kept waiting for an epiphany (usually by them (the ones who didn’t “work out”) about me being the best thing in the world or something) instead of truly understanding that an epiphany is just remembering the truth. Your own truth. That only you can find.
All that prepared me to find a man – a good man, a generous and loving man – who wanted nothing for me but for me to do what I was put here to do, who was solid enough to make the foundations, patient enough to steady me, kind enough to accept us all and open to his own journey. All of that is not a walk in the park people!! The long and the short of it is that sometimes it’s freaking hard. There are so many of us. He is still here to teach me how to love, and I him. Sometimes I get so wound up in it I disappear, and sometimes I disappear into the other part of me that’s calling, and I have to (always) find the way to be both. To be love and be human. To be called and to be solid. To surrender and to hold on. But all of that, brought me here and it had everything to do with me.
I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that you are held. I hope you know that this to shall pass and you will be OK. One day when you know how much you needed it because it was going to lead you to the truth about you and everything, you might even be grateful. But at the very least you will be truly free. And that will have everything and nothing to do with you at the same time.
Of course, this could be about anything not just a relationship ending. But in the context of relationships, if this resonates with you and finding a pathway out of the devastation and back to yourself is what you’re looking for, then maybe The Gap Year Intensive is for you. Read about it. Message me if you think it could be what you’re looking for. I’ll hook you up x