To the guy who is not my guy.
If you wrote to me, four years after the event seeking redemption and trying to connect with me and make me smile, here’s what I would say to you.
Redemption is for you. An apology filled with a plea is not an apology. I don’t need an apology anymore, but I always knew it would come when I no longer needed it.
If you told me you accepted the karma you live with every day I would wonder what you did that was so bad? Because if you had karma for what happened for me after you left then your life should be pretty fucking amazing right now. Have you not seen my husband? What kind of man do you think I would have chosen after you? One who would accept you contacting me 4 years later? Did you not think he would be the first person I showed your message too? I know what his face would do, and the primal rage that would come up in him, and the questions. He cannot fathom you, or what you have ben capable of. He just doesn’t get it. And that is why I love him, even though he never had to explain that to me.
If you want redemption here’s how to get it (it’s nothing to do with me by the way)….
~ Show those girls of yours what love looks like. Respect. Honesty. Truth. Commitment. Leaning in when it’s hard. Love them as they grow into the beautiful women they are and stop needing them to love you so you’re OK. Be part of their foundation and launching pad.
~ Be kind to your ex-wife. She bore those babies and they are beautiful because of her. Treat her with respect and kindness.
~ Love your Mum. She has the most beautiful heart.
~ Mend whatever it is with the girl who got mixed up in this. I do not know what or where things are at, but perhaps she deserves an apology?
~ Be the man you’re capable of. My special talent and my downfall was to only see him. But if I could see him he was there. I know that to be true.
If you tried to reconnect with me about a story I can no longer remember, I would say Eduardo who? For so long I could not understand how you could be my friend and do what you did. But you are not my friend and our history is history. Including Eduardo.
If you said you hoped something you said had made me smile I would ask you why assume I need that? From you? I smile every day. At the man I wake up with. At the kids who fill our home and drive me crazy. At our home. At our life. At my friends and family who have all remained here – solid and real and true. At my business and at the people I work with every day. I smile at the flowers he buys me every week, and the view out into my garden over the chook pen he built me. I smile because life stopped being so hard and starting be real. I smile.
I smile because instead of trying to find love outside I turned it inwards and loved myself so hard that all my magic started flowing out. I have written and created the most epic self-love work since I discovered that’s where I had to start.
And if you ended it with an “x” I would wonder why.
I would not write back to you. Not directly. I might write a blog because I always have words and the words help me make sense. The words are for me. I asked you not to contact me ever again 4 years ago and I meant it. I honour myself too much to change that.
And I would say – if you’re wondering – I have a beautiful life. An incredible husband who makes me smile and a life full of people who love me.
If I had anything to say to you it would be ‘thank you’. And then, there’d nothing left to say.