I can let you go.
I can really say goodbye to everything I thought you were, and everything I thought you weren’t. In the end you are more like everything I thought you weren’t, and there is no going back from here. Once I would have written these words to you, out of love and respect for everything I believed you were, but now I am sure that he has been gone from me for a while, if he even existed at all.
I’m not a hateful person, but right now I’m stuck between hating what you’ve done, hating you and knowing how powerless hatred makes me. So I don’t hate you, but I do. If that makes sense? Perhaps when I stop dry retching in the mornings when I wake up will I find a place to forgive you, and be grateful for the gift of no returns?
I have to write this because this is the last time I will write about you in this context. This is the last piece of space and energy and time I will dedicate to you here. This is mine here – my words, my heart and soul – and you have relinquished any place as part of that. And that is never how I thought it would roll, but now it’s rolling like that I feel clearer about where I’m meant to be.
I have thrown out the red spatula. Without regret. It wasn’t even worth breaking.
There is only one direction to go from here, and that is forward. Every day I find a little more hope in the way the day unfolds and the possibilities for me and mine. I believe it is going to be EPIC and nothing changes because the story got more twisted.
Every part of me has been crying for freedom from what I believed all this meant to me, and now I am beginning to understand how little of this was mine and how much I was caught in someone else’s mess.
And there was lame song here, but I took it out. In the end it’s not worth a good song, let alone a lame one. Here’s this instead….
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