I don’t like change. I want to. I really do. I want to be down with it because it happens all the time. Constantly. In fact, I’m not sure anything is unchangeable. But regardless of knowing all of this, I am unsettled all the same.
There is so much change in my world, and just when I think I’m zen with it, it changes again (just slightly). I did a 2.5 day meditation retreat last week. It was hard. Harder than talking. Harder than writing. Harder than anything. Until I stopped making it hard and just let it be and then it was nice. But I just wanted it to be nice straight up and all the time, and never change from that. Which of course fucked with my head the whole time.
My anxiety has been squeezing me since then. I don’t really do it much anymore, so when it comes I try to pay attention, in case (like the times it was really bad) something really big is amiss. But it’s not anything really big, just a collection of changing things that altogether feel big.
I don’t like things to stay the same. I get bored. Being bored is like a crime to me. My favourite quote to me bored children is “only boring people get bored”. God forbid I am a boring person. Meditation for too long gets boring. I’m much better at being still in body, but after a certain time (perhaps the time beyond which I have decided it’s OK to meditate for) I get bored beyond all boredom and find the sitting and focus beyond me. My teacher calmly smiles at me (my ego interprets it as a smirk) when I tell him I am irritated. And we both know how much better I am when I am still for some time. Just not as long as him. Haha.
My au pair is leaving in less than two weeks. She knows me and us and our household system better than me. She is calmer than me, more organised than me and has the children pinned. My lists to her are minimal because she knows what to do and how to do it and also how to manage me (even though she does it very subtly). A new person is coming into our house. I have no doubt she’ll be beautiful and I trust that all will be as it should be, but not totally. Because if I did the anxiety wouldn’t squeeze. It’s not about her specifically, just about the change, and what that will mean to me – someone who simultaneously wants it to stay just how it is, and who doesn’t want things to stay the same.
We are moving house. There is no actual time and date plan, but we have a plan. Which only recently changed because we were only looking at one option and missed the one (simpler, better) right in front of us. I’m ready to leave this house, it’s time and it’s such a beautiful home for a family (the next family, however that is). I’m ready to commit to the next thing and blending our family. I have no doubt it will be beautiful and I trust all will be as it should be, but not totally. Because if I did the anxiety wouldn’t squeeze. It’s not about the move specifically or him or the blending the family thing, just about the change, and what it will mean to me – someone who simultaneously loves her bed and her space and her independence and can’t wait to be a part of a family and togetherness and partnership. No change and change.
I just decided not to go away again this month. The going away (which I love) has been too much on my girls, and in the end when I had to feel into the best solution, I had to choose this time. So I chose not to go away. That is a big change for me. I (nearly) always go. My intention has (nearly always) been the right one, but lately it has changed to the desire to escape them and their need for me. Which only made that worse. Kids know everything right? So I made a different choice, to stay home (where things are the same). I feel better for making the choice, but the unsettled feeling just didn’t disappear.
And then my friends are about to move across Australia. They are leaving here! I don’t like that; I like all my people to stay here. They are moving with 2 horses, 2 dogs, a cat, 2 daughters and all their stuff. They are driving and their plans have changed suddenly and dramatically (if you like to be dramatic about things). I took her coffee to drink under the tree near where they are camped while the plans change and the little horse nuzzled my neck. And she is just rocking the change of plans like a plan-changing rockstar. And I know it hasn’t always been like that for her, but the difference it has made is life changing!
Life changing. The thing we all (mostly) want. Like an epiphany. That if we can accept change, be calm about it and not let change change us or react badly to it, then we will have a changed life. A life of change, that feels like it’s not changing.
If I have not broken your head, I hope this helps. The anxiety still squeezes today, but it could be the coffee I had under the tree (coffee makes me anxious when I am already inclined to be so) or my ovaries (PMT that mofo loves to make a big deal out of shit these days). It could just be that I need a time and date plan. It could just be that I need to meditate for longer. It could just be.
It could just be.