Sometimes it is just time for it to be the end of something. When it’s the end of something, it also means it’s time for the start of something new, but at the point of just before the end it can be hard to imagine the new thing or appreciate how much better it will be than the previous thing.
I have to end something. I’m not particularly good at endings. I’m not sure why not, but it is possibly because I grew up thinking Armageddon was coming and I wasn’t really looking forward to that, even though on the other side of that was meant to be a paradise on earth.
I’ve been known to clutch onto things and people for far too long for my own (and their own) good. I don’t like having to admit that things aren’t working. I can (for the most part) look at my part in the not working, and can certainly see my version of the other part in the not working, but I can’t always find a way to communicate that. I get worried I’ll hurt or offend. That my words will be misinterpreted. That the bit I think is theirs will be obvious in my exit speech and they won’t like to hear it and somehow it will sound like I’m blaming or making excuses. When the simple truth is, time is up on this one.
I’m going to cancel my gym membership today. Funnily enough. This is not about the gym. But then it is. I’ve been paying for the membership for 2 months without going. I even cross the road on my early walk so I don’t walk past the front of my gym and the auto door doesn’t call out to me “where the fuck have you been??” I have been trying to like the gym, but it’s not social enough for me and I cannot find it in me to lift weights alone. When I do it I like it. I feel strong and fit. When I do it works. I get tiny, little muscles and think I look massive and flex them at people at call them “my guns”. When my friend is there with me to train with me I like talking to her more than anything. Which doesn’t help her or me. When I don’t go, and keep paying my money and cross the road on my morning walk I feel a bit cross at the gym for not making me feel good about myself. For challenging me beyond what I’m up for right now. For not being my favourite. So I’m cancelling it. It’s only taken two extra months of clutching weakly to the idea of the gym and not letting it go and telling myself I’m going to start again when….when school goes back….when I find someone to train with…when I’m going to be like the fitness chick I follow on Instagram. Well here is the cold hard truth. I’m not going back. We’re done.
I do need exercise and movement and fitness in my life. I had to find something else that works for me, which I did. It’s part of being able to let go of the idea of the gym, because I found something new. The next best thing. I’m doing SUP yoga every weekend. I want a SUP board. I did SUP cardio the other weekend and got sore muscles and felt like I had guns for two days after that too. It could be a fad. Someone said it’s probably a fad. I like the fad where I get in the ocean, and do relaxation with the back of my hands in the water. I can’t really compete with the other people doing yoga on their boards because that would just be nasty, but sometimes I am glad when other people fall off more than me. No one so far has fallen as dramatically as me last week though, so I could be winning there. In SUP cardio there were a few races. I don’t think it’s nasty to try and win all the races, especially when it’s against your brother (he came to SUP classes because he was here from Melbourne for the weekend, and he just would because he’s cool). So I have moved on. To the next good thing. Which is so great, but I just forgot to finish off the last thing. One phone call. A couple more debits (as gyms don’t let you exit in retrospect or count NOT coming as you giving your months notice). And then it’s done.
So, because this is not actually about the whole gym/SUP yoga breakup, this other ending is a bit more….. I don’t even know the word. It’s an ending where it’s more important. It’s about an ending where people might get hurt or disappointed. And I know what that feels like. And I’m not sure I can stand in the face of that, even though the only way to do it is to stand in the face of that and stay true. It’s stirred me up beyond what I thought was possible. It is possible that it is about a year to the day since the last REALLY MASSIVE ENDING happened and it was NOT my ending, and I got really hurt and disappointed. To be honest I’m not sure, because I didn’t mark the END OF THE WORLD AS I KNEW IT in my diary. That would have been too final. But it’s pretty, totally likely it was about this day, and possibly that ending is compounding with this ending. AND my marriage also ended exactly about this day about 5 years ago too. SO there’s another ending. What the fuck is up with you February?
But here’s what I know to be true. When it is time for something to end, it is time for it to end. No amount of dancing around the outsides will make it any less needing to end. And the sooner and cleaner the end, the less the not-ending steals from you. All those extra steps crossing the road. All the unsaid words. The resources you are investing and resenting.
And then it’s time for the new. Beginnings. A bit like the paradise on earth after Armageddon.
PS In case it resonated, can I just say this is not about breaking up a long-term love relationship. Don’t make that decision based on the fact that SUP yoga is more fun than lifting weights or that it’s hard this week. This is about endings of parts of things, so that the new way it’s going to be gets to be. You can end the shitty part of a relationship and make a choice to have a new one with the same person. But that’s a whole ‘nother story….