Here’s what I worked out today. Sometimes you can hold onto stuff for way longer than you need at the cost of your own sanity and happiness. OK, so I didn’t just work it out today, but it became clear to me today. Again.
I feel like a different woman. Two days ago, our new au pair moved in and this morning my friend (who’s seen quite a lot of me lately) asked me if I was drunk at 11am because I was so exceedingly chirpy and relaxed. But I don’t really drink (haven’t I told you that yet???) No? Well that’s the next blog.
I cannot believe how different I feel having someone else in the house who is part of our every day. I cannot believe that for almost 6 months I have not had an au pair because the word was making vomit in my throat, and so I’d rather avoid the vomit in my throat kind of feeling that find another support system that was going to work for our family so well. I have been effectively trying multitudes of other things, whilst feeling totally stressed and carrying the load of it and resenting the hell out of my kids, my life, the unhelpful man and au pair who left us and anything else that I could resent. Funny isn’t it, how sometimes in an effort not to feel the pain about one thing we create such a bigger pain for ourselves? And not funny haha. Funny weird.
Today I did some massively huge things to do with completing the past I’ll tell you why one day when I have got my cool about it, but it’s part of something I’m working on right now and I didn’t realise that doing it would feel so amazing. But while I did that, my children were dropped to school & the fruit & vege shopping was done and Miss 3 played and giggled in the lounge room – going from painting, to games, to drawing, to stamping, to cooking – with a beautiful girl who was focused on her, and chatted to her and laughed at her funniness and I have not seen that littlest girl of mine SO HAPPY, in such a long time. And it was the first day in a long time she didn’t cry about missing anyone. She does get the missing, but today she didn’t even have time for the slightest bit of missing melancholy.
And for weeks I have been coaching people, mostly couples, and see these people with this amazing opportunity to be doing amazing things, with this person in their life, and they are not doing those things because whatever the thing is they are holding onto is getting in the way. Is costing them way more than what it’s worth. And way more than they are worth. And I didn’t know how to explain to that to them as clearly as it came to me today. It’s like my au pair vomit in the throat thing. Obviously.
This day, and this week, as the pieces all come back together in an even more magical way than they fitted before I am so happy and so grateful that this happened as it did. And I can promise you that I didn’t think it would be possible that I could say that, and mean it. I mean it. And there is not even one tiny bit of vomit in my throat about any of it! And I’m usually like that. Like I’m tipsy at 11am, at worst from a strong coffee, but mostly completely sober. And that’s how I thought life was meant to feel.