I woke up with that anxious feeling again today, but this time it was in my chest, not my stomach. Like I have an anxious heart. My guy (who I am as yet unable to call anything other than ‘my guy’) came this morning to say goodbye to the girls and me, before leaving town to head south.
I have been doing a lot of work on being OK. I have realised that heartbreak in its essence is very selfish; through the fog of my own devastation I’ve not been clear on the needs of all the people around me or been able to hear any other point of view but my own. I’m not trying to not feel it, or not have the experience of it, but I am trying to shift my focus outwards, because when I do that my heart seems to hurt a whole lot less, and the people around me feel that. I’m especially trying to regroup for my family, my girls four.
Kids have such a simple view on saying goodbye. I do not think it has been easy at all for my biggest girl, and I can only love her even though I can see her pain. The other 3 can just put aside whatever any possibilities of meaning are and just run to hug him when he gets here, and chat to him about school and tell him they love him as they hug him goodbye and then head off to school chatting about their day. I made a real effort to be cool and brave this morning because those goodbyes are not about me, they are about them and I want them to see that when you love someone you can let them go with love. In the end it’s not anyone’s fault that we cannot agree on another way to do this together. If I trust that this is how it’s meant to be, then I’m not trying to make it something else that makes sense to me.
Yesterday in the car outside the supermarket (while I waited with the little two, while my biggest girl went to find special ingredients to make sugar free cheesecake which was taking ages and the little two were going nuts and jumping out of the sunroof and waving their Peppa Pig stuffed toys at their own reflection in the shop window) Miss 5 put on a new CD. Generally that would have been fine, but it was Acoustic Love Songs disc 2. Anyone know the first track on that CD? Goodbye my Lover by James Blunt. It lasted about 20 seconds before I turned into Psycho Mum and requested another song. Psycho-ly. So today in full surround stereo in my head is that song playing over and over. No wonder my heart is anxious.
My truth right now is this – I love him, I’m missing him, and I’m really sad about that. But I am allowing this to happen with as much graciousness as I can muster.
How do you say goodbye? You hug them so your hearts touch, and you touch their teary cheek with your teary cheek and you kiss their lips as though it is the last time. And say goodbye.