So I wrote a letter to God. And he wrote back.
It all came about because I did this online course called Calling in the One. It has taken me all this time to even put that here. I abbreviated it to CITO on my computer for filing study notes and scheduling things in my Google calendar, in case anyone would should see it and GOD FORBID would think I was trying to CALL IN THE ONE or something!!
The “One” bit of it was the bit I was pretty stumped by. There’s a part of me that really believes that the guy who is not my guy was by definition my “soul mate”. There’s something about him and meeting him, and coming across him 10 years later and the whole story of us that I had half-written in my mind so many times. It would have made a great movie I thought. Until the bit where it imploded into something that was unfathomable to me (which actually would also make a great plot twist in a movie!!!). And while I worked on it, and tried to understand something unfathomable, and navigated a wobbly path through the grief of the lost love story I started to understand that perhaps he was that. My soul mate. The guy who completely opened up my soul so the light could get in (and magnificently, out).
And then last week I saw this, and Liz Gilbert is like the lady who right now keeps saying all the things I want to say. And I’m all Eat, Pray, Love (And one of my friends even commented that on my last blog post….)
See what I learnt is that I have beautifully called in the “ones” – the one who was meant to be my oldest daughter’s daddy, the one who was meant to be the father of my youngest three, the one who would “smack me awake” and FINALLY “bring me to my own attention” so I could change the possibilities for myself and my family and one day, all the people I will help. And now I’ve got to call in someone far beyond the possibilities I ever imagined for myself. Not someone I could hide behind or use as my excuse not to do what I’m supposed to do. Not someone who mirrors all my own self-doubt and lack of direction. Not someone who was as lost as I was.
So part way through the course (which became like a liberation from all that hasn’t been what I wanted, rather than a man-finding exercise) one of the exercises I had to do was to write a letter to God and ask him to write back. About my worries about finding the real guy for me. And I discovered that perhaps I’ve been writing to God all along, but I forgot to listen for the answer long enough.
And if you need any more proof – here’s what I wrote, and here’s his reply.
Dear God – it doesn’t seem strange to write to you. So often I think it’s been you I was writing to all along. And always the answers came, but so often I chose to ignore them or look away.
I’m worried I’ll do the same thing again, be totally blinded by someone and not see my way clear of him before it’s all complicated and hurtful. How can I make sure I go into this with my eyes and my heart wide open?
Is it really possible to find someone at this age who will want to embrace me and my girls and be a family with us? Am I hoping for too much? Have my shitty past choices “tainted” the possibilities for my future?
I want so much to believe in this. I know for sure he’s not from here, and that he’s smart and loving and open and an achiever. I know for sure he’s so far from what I’ve accepted before that it’s a bit hard to believe such a man exists. Will you help me know him? Will you help guide me to him and make sure I’m keeping myself intact?
That seems like a lot to ask for today, but I like this. The idea of seeking.
Are my girls OK?
Thank you for listening, please write through my pen.
And then, I started a new page, same pen and started to write. And here’s what he said:
I want you to know I have always been here and through all of this I never once deserted you, even when it seems you deserted yourself. I am strong and true and if you ask for me, I’ll come. Know that to be true.
Finally my precious one, you are getting the learning. You can never do the same thing again, you are wiser and clearer and now you are ready to see the truth of yourself and the truth of other people. Allow yourself time to go quiet and to ask and you will know.
The man who is coming to you is amazing beyond ANYTHING you have ever experienced before. He wants you with such intensity and that includes everything and everyone who goes with you. He would sit and take a grilling from all those people who love you because he has nothing to hide and everything to give. He’s gifted and smart and loving and family oriented and he truly believes in experiencing life from inside it, embracing moments and people. Together you are this amazing enveloping energy and people are drawn to you.
Yes, you saw the possibility of this with (the guy who is not your guy) and you are scared because it didn’t happen, but he was about seeing the possibility – so you could clearly define what you wanted (and what you didn’t). Do not regret one moment of time with him or one moment of love you felt for him. There is nothing else that would have happened except 1) you choose or 2) he chooses. Forgive yourself for not being brave enough to choose. Forgive him for choosing for you. Let him go my love. Set him free. That is all he is for you and it is so much more than you will ever understand. The gift of freedom. The gift of reclaiming yourself. The gift of everything that came from a life beyond him. He gave that to you. All of it. And he removed himself totally so you could not waver. I made sure of that.
This man will marry you. With pride. He will embrace your children and your life and together you will work a way to bring your lives together. He too has amazing friends, who will embrace you and family who will embrace you. They have all been waiting for you, as your friends and family have been expecting him.
Those girls are OK. They are truly amazing. You have no idea how they make you more in every moment of every day. You can do this and each one of them is here to be a part of it. Show them how to be glorious. Show them great love with a great man.
Draw him to you with such knowing for he is coming Fleur. He is coming and you must be ready. Everything (one by one) needs to be in order for him to come. The house loan. The girls. The au pair. The work. The money. The exercise routine. The amazing stuff you write and put out to the world. He is going to find you through that so stop fucking about with it and start doing it every day. He is coming.
Trust in each day my precious one. Appreciate every moment you have to get ready.
Love your God. Always.
And that’s how I know he’s not at the night club. And how I know God swears. And says amazing a lot. Sorry to those who this freaks out because the whole God thing is too much. And sorry to those who are mad because your God doesn’t swear.
All I’m saying is if you need it, don’t forget to ask and then don’t forget to listen.