So it seems that although we are getting better at expressing ourselves as women and being more vulnerable and open, something is still not right. Something is still not working. I think it’s like we can accept there is a softer and more loving and more open side to who we are, but perhaps we can’t accept that as part of the FULL REALM of expressing who you are that the other end of the spectrum exists.
I work with women, so many women, and they are REAL and TRUE and GOOD and LOVING women, and we work on their ‘stuff’ all the time, and they work out how to open up when they feel scared and start to talk more to their man from vulnerability, and sometimes things change and sometimes things don’t. So they come back again and again, caught in the place that maybe they are still not good enough or loveable enough or beautiful enough to be heard or understood. And if they keep going maybe they’ll be a pest or a nag or a needy bitch or just some crazy psycho.
Well I think you need to know that in full range of emotions that women have and NEED to express, sadness and hurt and anger and frustration and pissed-off-ness and #batshitcrazy exist, and sometimes you just need to call on them. Not from a place of hatred, or the intent to hurt or abuse, but from a deeper place – a place of fighting for your marriage, of fighting for what you believe in, of fighting for you and what you’re worth and what you deserve and what he deserves and what the shape of love looks to you and how you want to feel and what you hope for and dream of. And if he doesn’t like it (because he’s wired for peace remember?) that’s HIS. HIS! Not yours. And if you want to be understood? Make sure you’ve said it all, ALL OF IT! Don’t hope that is he loves you enough he will or should or can even work it out. Mostly he CAN’T. And if you don’t tell him, he will keep trying to create peace and your feelings will not be valid or validated and you feel forever understood and think it is just because he’s an ASSHOLE. When he’s not (well he might be, but that’s another blog post on recognising assholes) and possibly (it could be possible right?) that the ASSHOLE to you is YOU! Because you didn’t go #batshitcrazy and say, “This is not OK! This is not the marriage that I want! I deserve more than this! You deserve more than this. I will not continue to do this thing with you where we never talk about what matters. I will not do this thing with you where I respect you/feel angry at you/feel like I hate you because I haven’t told you that this is not OK”. And if while you are saying these things your belly is on fire and you are yelling or crying or leaking snot or all of them, do you know that this is OK? YOU. The #batshitcrazy woman? Do you know that that’s OK?
I fight for people all the time. Because they sit in front of me and I can see their pain, and my heart hurts with their heart. And they tell me what they want, and sometimes they need me to fight for them, so they now how to fight for themselves. I do it because I love them. And some of them I have only just met. I could not do this in my relationships. Because I didn’t know how. And then I have this amazing friend and she taught me this. She taught me that sometimes you go #batshitcrazy and accept that you need to talk and get it out and that’s’ part of your make-up as a woman and this is OK. More than OK. The thing that is the most not OK? Couple who sit in front of me with no fire, because they both put it out. Their own fires. They put them out, or didn’t get them lit in the first place.
Right now I’m honey-mooning with the most beautiful, gentle soul and I haven’t found a reason to need #batshitcrazy but I imagine one day I will. Not because I want to hurt him, but because I’ll love him enough to want to fight for what I dream of in love, and if something is not right and my gentle, open vulnerability is not getting through then maybe I’ll need to choose another approach. He does not like conflict. Most men do not like conflict (for those who do we can go back to the recognising assholes post sometime). But we are often all too good at not saying what we mean, and making things OK that are not OK and then wonder why we are not getting what we want.
#batshitcrazy is not verbal or physical abuse. It’s elevated energy. It has fire in it. It’s direct. Your hair might be mussed up and you might ugly cry. But sometimes it’s more full of the truth than everything you said before. Am I making sense? Do you know what I am talking about?
Vulnerability is many things, but mostly it’s just accepting yourself at the fullness of what and who you are. Growth to me is not about becoming peaceful, perfect beings – it ‘s about being alive. And even in the #batshitcrazy you can know for sure that the things you say mean as much as the stuff you say in joy and excitement. Valid. Your feelings are valid. And as a woman your range is bigger and wider and fills the world.
Let yourself fill your world, and love with the intensity of the love you desire. He’ll come or he won’t. A good man will come with you. And none of that will have anything to do with you.
PS If you have a different definition of #batshitcrazy than me and you’ve been doing it without much success, then you might need to read about the other approach here. I write lots about femininity, but sometimes I may forget the fire. #batshitcrazy has fire but no petrol bombs, I think you should know what I mean x