What if it’s more than I imagined?

There’s a possibility that there’s more for me. For all of us. If I stay here, in this place (which yesterday was angry and bitter) I don’t get to do the epic stuff I’m here to do. And I have no doubt that it is epic.

I was OK with the angry bit, I know it’s part of the process, but it kept hijacking my thought process all day, which takes time and energy away from doing what I need to do and from being really there with my kids. Miss 3 asked me why I was angry with them yesterday. And I wasn’t. But my face (deep in thought about how I’ve been wronged) was.

A few days ago I had an epiphany and realised that my forever person wouldn’t do this. Walk away from me and us and disappear from our lives because it is too hard and emotional to do anything else. My forever person would be here, doing the everyday bits of forever with me and us – mornings and evenings and tantrums at bed time. Breakfast and making dinner, and hating the grocery shopping. Going to the beach, and to school and to work, and then coming HOME.

Forever – choosing to love someone forever – means you have to love and accept all the bits of them and yourself that aren’t perfect, and work out how to make the everyday epic, even if it’s in the way you make their sandwiches or stroke the hair from their eyes. Epic and forever aren’t hard, not when you know that that is what you want.

This time (and in that I acknowledge that this has happened to me before, which is why there’s a part of me who wants to get all bitter and twisted about it) I have noticed that outside of my relationship there are many men (in relationships around me) who are doing forever, and I still believe in the possibilities and not the impossibilities. I still believe it is possible to have epic foreverness (which is not perfect and includes nits and arguments in the car and everyday stuff) with someone who wants that too. The relationships around me that I admire at their very core all have one thing – an absolute commitment to the other person and the life and family they have created. That is unquestionable. And when that is unquestionable, you ask different questions about how and what you can do to make it better.

The thing I lost in all of this was that I thought that’s what I was doing, but I didn’t stop to see the reality of how it was (or if I did I didn’t verbalise my worry about it, or put in place boundaries about the things that weren’t OK – I’m going to talk about these both more sometime soon), but because that didn’t work (or more truly its purpose was something other than what I thought, and there’s something more epic coming) I don’t have to give up on what I believe or stop doing what I was. I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now, and have committed to a year sabbatical, and not because I’m all bitter and twisted and out of hope, but because I’m after something EPIC.

What if it’s more than I imagined?