The feedback loop
What’s this crazy thing we do? The second (almost) we commit to something that could (will) change everything we freak out? All the things that have stopped us before appear front and centre, the people we thought may doubt or disagree pop up with their (unwelcome) opinions validating every fear we ever had. And somehow…..we’re back where we started. Knowing something has to change but not changing anything. Doing the same stuff for more and longer and not facing the very thing that could set us free.
Always in my work, in my life, in feedback right in front of me I can see/sense exactly what needs to happen. From the outside that clarity is SO CLEAR, and more often than not we know exactly what ‘other people’ need to do. But just like that, when it comes to ourselves we waver.
The thing is, you can’t get feedback or a reaction or a comment from someone unless it’s in your field. By this I mean, unless some part of you (maybe unconsciously, maybe buried deep) feels or thinks those things too. And we’re so busy defending ourselves we forget to acknowledge the speck of truth. The wound. The fear. The shadow piece.
If I am healed and whole nothing offends me. I can not be hurt by words which are untrue. When I am fearful or anxious, angry or down then all kinds of things can be ‘true’ about me. And I can be very offended.
I have had a few people in my life who love to give feedback. When it’s framed up as “I’d just like to give you some feedback” you always know it’s going to sting right? That it won’t be a compliment or positive feedback or their favourite thing about it. It will be the thing about you you’ve been desperately trying to hide, and they are about to poke it. Funnily enough, in relationships, our partners tend to be the very person to ‘poke the wound’. Not, as you may think, to intentionally hurt you but because it’s time for it to go. And the only way something can go is to be acknowledged so it can heal. That’s it. It’s as simple as that, and be as hard or take as long as we let it.
The week is money/abundance/worth/value week in the Incubator. As always (every time) his stuff comes up for me BIG AND HARD AND POKEY. My husband and I have stuff we are continuing to heal about money/wealth and the big, hard and pokey stuff does not happen in the bedroom. And there is nothing he can say to me that can hurt me, unless some part of me carries it in my field. In my energy. In my system. If he is disappointed in me, it cannot affect me unless I too am disappointed, or guilty or frustrated in myself. And until I stop needing him or anyone outside of me to stop saying those things so I can be OK, I cannot be OK. And the disappointing things keep happening. And some is his, and some is mine and the only way we work through it is that one of us at a time has to know what belongs to whom. And the only bit I can affect is the bit that belongs to me.
It’s a big trigger to me (the part of me that is wounded, and lives in the shadow) to disappoint. I’ve been working my whole life not to do that – but to gauge whether or not I’m doing OK at it I use the feedback from others. And until I don’t need that, it continues.
My job is to work on that in me. And be patient and honest and open with my husband so I can keep us closer to the kind of relationship we both know we’re capable of. His job is to work on whatever is coming up for him, in himself. And then face each other in the truth of that. That’s resolution. Completing the loop. Not getting back to where we started but making it whole and complete.
I have worked with lots of couples in the last few weeks, and to start with we have to talk about the TOPIC (the problem or challenge) and if we stay on the topic it just gets messier and murkier and they are both right and both wrong all at once. And most of us like to be right, and most of us hate to be wrong and so we go around in a messy little cycle of who is the most right and who is the most wrong. If you can get out of the TOPIC and into the SYSTEM (the heart, the body, the bigger picture, the energy) then things change. Because if you can alter your system, you’ll have something different in your field, and then the things that’s been showing up will change. I promise.
The work is within you, as are the answers. But I have not always been able to find them on my own and without support. It does not mean that I am not smart or brave but that I have stopped trying to do everything on my own and pretend the shadow does not exist. It exists, but my soul is way bigger and way more powerful and when I stop trying to hide the shadow all the energy I’m using to pretend is available to create a whole new way of being.
My soul has created some beautiful pathways to this.
The Inside Out Love Story is the self-love path (low self-confidence, relationship turmoil, not enoughness might be a clue that this is a path for you)
The Incubator is the purpose path (overwhelm, busy-ness, indecisiveness and feeling unfulfilled or discontent would be a sign that purpose is calling)
And now I’m creating StongHER which is 12 months and all and everything.
My soul won’t let me NOT create this. It will not let me shut up or settle down. But for me to create then there must be space and time. And our most favourite excuse not to commit to the work we need to do is to say there’s not enough time, or it’s not the right time, or when I find the time I will. And the next best excuse is questioning if we are worth the investment. And then, is it even possible for me to get what I want.
Don’t be afraid. Your soul is not. She will keep bringing you to the work until you can put it off no longer.
You know I love to talk. Talk to me. I hear all the things you’re not saying but need to.
Here’s how – just click.