The Big D

I’ve done Disappointment.

Had a good crack at Despair.

Definitely did Devastation a couple of times.

Had moments of Distrust, Dislike, Dissing crap behaviour.

I may have used Dickhead more than necessary. Mostly about him. Occasionally about me.

Hit him with a Diatribe of opinions many times. I didn’t ever seem to master a way to communicate what I really felt or thought or wanted though.

We got Divorced last Friday.

Given everything that happened when we were married and everything afterwards, it was a total non-event. The Court rang while I was doing kindy pick-up, put me on speaker phone, asked if all the facts were correct, confirmed I wanted to proceed, and then granted me a Divorce. The only hairy bit was when all the kids got out and Miss 5 started running towards me with all the news of her day and I had to wave her away to play so I could sound formal enough for the formal proceedings.

When I told him on Saturday that it was done he went really quiet. He knew all about it, but is not one for details, so had forgotten. His quietness bothered me, although we have been separated for 3 and a half years, and there is nothing about the relationship I miss or want back, I felt bothered that he went quiet. I want to him to happy and he doesn’t seem to be happy. And then what comes up in me is (to be totally honest here) I feel sorry for him (and he would hate that!), and I don’t like that I feel that. I think it’s because I’m OK, and my life is moving on, and full of beautiful people and opportunities, and he’s at 3.5 years ago, and that’s really Disappointing. At least I’m not 3.5 years ago. Phew for that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that. Phew. I still want him to be more than he is though. Happier. Not for me anymore, but for our kids. And that’s not really getting me anywhere.  Sympathy for your ex-husband sure don’t make him get up and get on with it. Sympathy for your husband? I’d suggest you find a way around it, because there’s no way forward with it.

I didn’t ever plan to be divorced. A divorcee in fact. Someone’s ex-wife. But then, I didn’t plan a lot of things…..

It doesn’t actually feel any different than it did last Thursday. I think I thought that it would “feel” like something. It just felt like letting go, but not of something particularly hard or heavy. It did make me realise though that you can’t ever put things on hold until after “something” happens (i.e. after the divorce I’ll be happy or we’ll get along better or or or…), it’s best to just make your life happen in the way you want it, and not let major like events, like Divorce Day (or getting a new house, or moving or getting a better job or or or…), precede happiness.

Divorce is the start of something new, with knowledge you wouldn’t have had without it. I look at me and my guy and our family now and I would say I learnt not to ever take something for granted,  and to love and appreciate those in your life every day and see their Divine Beauty, and do Delight, Divinity and Devotion more often. Every Day it’s possible in fact. That’ll be a Doozy!