My (stupid) heart

I believe you can get dehydrated from crying too much.

I’ve been dehydrated a lot the last few days. Parched in fact.

Yesterday though I only cried twice, and only for short periods of time, unlike the heart wrenching sobbing of the previous weeks, that seemed to come over me in uncontrollable waves. I cried in the morning when I had to start the pool pump, because I don’t want that job, and now it’s mine again, and that made me sad. I rang the pool company after that and my precious hearted (ex) sister in law had her pool lady here by mid afternoon! Luckily, my world is full of the precious hearted people – my biggest girl is full of wisdom, my second girl just loves me, the little two just get on with life as though you just get on with life, and those beautiful friends and sister-friends are kind and funny and caring and precious. Thank god my (stupid) heart has enough sizes to love them all too!

I cried later when I saw him and then he left. The third time (which I didn’t count above) was when I went to go to bed and realized I hadn’t fed the dog. His job. Was probably just a bit tired by then, so I’m not counting that. I’m trying to blame all the crying on my (stupid) heart.

I’m not really mad at my (stupid) heart, just when it hurts like this I wonder if it couldn’t be a little less truly, wholly and deeply loving. Maybe a bit of half-heartedness would mean I’d hurt less right now, or it would be better if I had (like the Grinch) a heart two sizes too small. But no, I have this (stupid) heart that chooses to forget what heartbreak feels like and then aches when it remembers.

I’m sad because what I lose is the experience I have of me when I’m with him (when all the things that don’t work aren’t there not working), when it’s fun and funny and I believe that this is what love feels like and all I give is total adoration. I’m not foolish (or stupid) enough to believe that it was perfect, but for me I thought there would be another way through this. For days (weeks) I’ve been cycling through the grief stages, but denial and bargaining have kept me the most stuck. To live in a place where I didn’t want this to happen so much I couldn’t even start the conversation about the details because it would become too real. Imagining there is something I will say or do or be that will change his mind. Finally, yesterday I accepted it was real. My guy is leaving. Me and us. I have been trying so hard to understand, but in the end it made me crazy – trying to understand something that makes sense to him and no sense to me. It doesn’t mean all the things I’ve been making it mean. It means he is leaving, and we are not.

I know the things to do to make me better. But having a real, true proper cry is the most cathartic thing of all.

My friend told me to listen to this song when I was unsure if I could let go and accept this. I’m sorry if you cry, but sometimes crying is the healing.

And PS I don’t think my heart is stupid. Just yesterday, and maybe a couple of days before that. That’s what the brackets are for. You can take the (stupid) out when it doesn’t fit anymore.