I’m the last person you should talk to about conspiracy theories. I’m one of the last people in the world who will be convinced of “the truth” about something from a series of shady YouTube videos and strange articles prophesizing things that the rest of the world ‘can’t see’ and telling me to ‘do my own research’ and that ‘I’ll see’ when the time comes.
See, I was raised in a Doomsday Cult. Even writing that seems somewhat dramatic, however every time in my life since I questioned what we were taught and tried to explain it to others what came out of my mouth sounded crazy. I spend much of my childhood fearful of Armageddon and the ‘end of the world as we know it’. I’m fairly certain that a global pandemic is one of the signs of the ‘end of times’ – yet funnily enough, when I found my own internal safety and decided to work out what I believe and what my truth is, I stopped being afraid. This doesn’t mean I’m not aware. This doesn’t mean I’m not reading and thinking and discussing and acting. But it does mean that I will never watch a video or read an article that is apparently “the hidden truth”. Want to know why? Because when something is the “truth” it just is. You know it in the fibres of your being and there are no questions. There is no need for wild claims or desperate attempts to get people to see something as true. ‘Saving lives’ by invading people’s home and inboxes and social media feeds is actually spreading fear not truth and preying on other’s natural vulnerability during times of change and loneliness.
I don’t think people who believe these things are inherently bad or wrong. I have no problem with people believing differently to me (*side note: I have no problem with this most of the time, occasionally when I am tired and/or emotional I get enraged at the carry-on and have to unfollow lots of people on social media, so it’s not coming into my home and I just focus on cute cat videos and funny memes until I calm down).
But, even if I love you and you are one of my friends, I don’t want to talk about it with you. Ever. I’ve read all the stuff disproving evolution and felt super confused about this when I chose to study science at University. I still believe in God, but this a spiritual practice for me a form of connection with the ‘divine’ that is part of me. But I will not EVER try to convince you to believe what I believe. I might share what I believe (like now) and can I say (with love and honesty) that if you don’t agree with me and something I am saying/writing/speaking about, it is OK to unfollow me too. That watching dogs reuniting with their owners after 4 years apart is a super good way to get over feeling annoyed or invaded by unwelcome opinions. But one of the hardest things about discovering my own voice was the part of me who had spent (far too) much of her childhood door-knocking and spreading “the truth” to anyone and everyone – most of whom did not want to listen and had their ‘peace’ at home invaded by some extremely earnest God-botherers. And most of the people I knew in that religion truly believed it was ‘the truth’. It was (and maybe still is) called The Truth (with CAPITALS, yes). Most of the people had/have good intentions (to save the world and people from the evils of the world). And many of them are vulnerable and using the religion to give them something to believe in. Which is cool, if it works for you.
I have also spent most of my life being extremely externally referenced. In the chicken or egg scenario, I am not sure if I was this way and the religion was just a way of cementing this in, or if being brought up in the religion meant I lost my ability to self-reference. Or both. Interestingly it’s also a behaviour of the ‘co-dependent’ – which has been the primary way I behaved in relationships.
Here’s one definition from the internet: External referencing (always checking outside oneself before making choices) Subordinating one’s needs to those of the person with whom one is involved [the narcissist]
In all the personal development work I’ve done and continue to do, and work I do with people (mostly middle-class, white Australian women like me) has been helping them discover their inner truth and guidance system and connecting them to the power that exists within them FIRST. So without fear, they can connect to whatever “source” of guidance exists outside of them – being it God, divine, energy, nature, spirit, insert your own here – and KNOW their own truth. To become more self-referenced, and definitely to unravel co-dependency. I’m not trying to convince them to believe what I believe, but I do share my experience of the world, because this is what I know.
I am interested in reading about the psychology of conspiracy theorists and the people who believe them. I’m interested in the science of the brain, and how throughout history propaganda led to genocide of people. I find epigenetics and family systemics fascinating. I’m extremely interested in learning about systemic patriarchy and capitalism, racism and oppression. I believe I had no idea I was even in a system, because I did not grow up to question the world. I grew up to get along in the world, be good and smart and make sure everybody loved (or at least liked) me. I can actually name on one hand (and not even using all my fingers) the number of people who in my life who actively disliked me.
I used to be proud of this. I am discovering that the more I discover about all of these the more I become uncomfortable with the way’s things are, and the more I make other people uncomfortable by talking about them. Not unlike how someone who is a conspiracy theorist believer feels about their truth I’m sure. But let’s not go down the rabbit hole because I can not see how it serves the world to spread fear. And I know for sure that my ‘truth’ is just known to me, accepted by my physical system and my heart and mind and I have no need to convince anyone of anything. If I am (trying to convince or justify or prove), then funnily enough, I am met with resistance, and I need to find my way back into myself.
I also work for a company (which funnily enough is sometimes called a cult by people who have never worked with us) and we run transformational events with a relationship focus. Last night, when we had a catch up with the group I worked with specifically, one of the guys was completely lost for words. He said, “something happened, but I cannot explain what that was”. He looks lighter. Like shiny and open. A peace exists with him (and the other people on the call) that did not exist before. Centred in their truth they are OK, and they can be themselves in the world. That excites me. Helping humans be more human and support each other in humanity excites me.
We can talk about that if you like??
Big loves xx
From the Vault – Other stories of mine you may be interested in