An open letter to men on planes

Or aptly all men. Single in reference to me.

I have told the story of being sexually harassed on the plane numerous times now, and received mixed responses. Only a few (mostly male) people can’t seem to understand why I didn’t just take that guy in the loo. And from all the women I’ve told I’ve had various variations that involve wincing, gagging, shock, horror and most often a deep, deep, depth of understanding as to why I wouldn’t.

So here’s an open letter to men on planes who might want to get lucky with someone they’ve just met.

Dear Plane Guy

I’m a hot, 40ish sexually liberated woman. I’m up for many things. From my understanding of conversations with women I may even be up for more than most, or I have less ability to edit what comes out of my mouth about what I’m up for. This however does not mean that talking to me for 45 minutes straight about sex will make me want to do it with you. Ever.

Call me shallow, but if you at least pretended to care by showing some interest in me (and not the sex bits) and allowing me some time to talk, listened and gave me intelligent responses (“oh you’re on a Gap Year? That makes a lot of sense given what just happened in your last relationship. I can not believe that he was an idiot enough to do that to you.” or “You are so freaking gorgeous for 40, men can be assholes huh?”) you would have been way closer to you, me and a confined space.

Or even if you talked less, asked more questions (not about sex) and stared at me with burning, intense focus. The kind that makes me flush, and get in a fluster about what words are coming next. I’m not saying I would have done it, but it seems silly to waste all that energy banging on about sex retreats when it’s NEVER going to get the desired response. I am not talking for all women here, just me – but hey, that was a lot of wasted banging on about the wrong thing which was never going to lead to any banging with the hot thing. Ever.

It’s not unlike posting a picture of your junk as your profile picture on a dating site. I can assure you that very few women actually find junk attractive in it’s raw form. We are also not impressed by pictures of big fish, photos that include you holding a beer and/or a ciggie or selfies in the bathroom/toilet. Or having 69 anywhere in your “Nickname”. We really want to see some indication of good dental hygiene, and some sense of understanding of what women really want. Which is simply to be understood.

Nothing screams having no freaking idea about women than talking about sex without a breath for 45 minutes. Nothing screams having no freaking idea about a woman than missing all the cues that she doesn’t want to talk about sex, is kinda emotionally raw and could probably do with a foot massage and a chance to have a good cry about how disappointing men are (I know, I know, this is a big ask but I’m just putting it out there) to someone who appears to understand. I can guarantee she’ll feel better within 30 minutes, her relaxing hormones will be raging – and by then you are still only 2 hours into the plane ride and there will still be 2 hours to go. I’d suggest she’d be much more likely to get mile high style with you if she thinks that’s not what you’re after. Just saying.

But if she says she’s on a Gap Year, she is. And you get extra brownie points for honoring that. Or at least demonstrating you understand. Without asking her clarify if that means from sex or just men or just sex with men. And if you seem to understand she might reconsider gapping it for all that time. If this is confusing, it’s time to learn it. The elusive and somewhat exclusive Mile High Club could be yours if you do.

Oh, and wash your hat. Women notice things like that.