45 minutes ago
I ❤️ this xI’ve felt on my heart to post this for awhile now.
This is what I’ve learnt while being in the business of PEOPLE and walking alongside men, many of whom would be considered by some as the very ‘worst in society’... Eg: The violent, the incarcerated, the addicted, the abusers etc
1. Shaming people will never ever better people. Shame tells people repeatedly they aren’t worthy of connection + attempts to make them forget their humanity.
2. People are really hard to hate close up so instead of creating more distance and space - lean in!
3. Calling people out on social media isn’t courageous. Courage is when we lean in, Kanohi ki te kanohi (face to face) for hard conversations. To me this looks like truth delivered in love and unconditional positive regard.
4. We are really good as a society at shaming people and freezing people in their past mistakes. But ask yourself if YOU would always want to be known as the worst thing you’ve ever done?
5. We have to get better at offering redemption as an option. Redemption is when we unfreeze people from past mistakes and offer them a way to genuinely move forward because their humanity is intrinsically connected to ours.
6. Shame keeps people in darkness + by default continues to create more victims. To encourage people who are considered to be ‘perpetrators’ to move into the light (to genuinely heal) we must make it ok to firstly ask for help and secondly for it to be acceptable to be able to come as you are, flawed + failing, to receive help + healing.
7. Be discerning + give someone the benefit of experiencing them for yourself. Don’t assume one persons experience with them to be the only or ultimate guide for how they are. Possibly their personalities just weren’t a compatible mix. I’ve learnt it’s best to give any individual the benefit of the doubt. I don’t listen to gossip or read files on people, I prefer to sit with someone again, kanohi ki te kanohi and connect with them myself. I’ve never been disappointed so far + I count myself as blessed to have been able to accompany some men to some dark places they have been stuck in alone.
8. Every person + every situation is an invitation to growing my own awareness + learning. No exceptions.
9. Forgiveness isn’t when we condone or make excuses for something bad someone did to us. It’s actually when we can accept what happened + when we release the need for a certain outcome to occur in order for us to move on. When we accept/forgive we realise we can move on regardless.
10. Love always calls people forward instead of calling them out. This is especially true to the grace we offer ourselves.
Mauri Ora whānau.
How you treat people matters.
Because this is how we heal the world. 🖤 ...
8 hours ago
As you cycle through grief, the place that feels the “best” is when you get to acceptance – of what is, of what happened, of a loss, of a change, of something unexpected, of heartbreak, of the need to let go, of the new normal, of things never being the same again. “Best” may not be the best way to describe a grief stage, but acceptance seems to be the most manageable and perhaps the most acceptable. Denial can be pretty good too until we realise its denial and not an absence of sorrow or reality. Bargaining can seem like taking action until we realise, we’re trading off for a better/different outcome. Sadness can be overwhelming, but also a place to self-comfort. And if we can get comfortable enough to do anger, it can be momentarily satisfying, but long-term destructive.
At first, it helps to know you’re in the grief process. That the big feelings and endless cycling are part of a process that everyone goes through (in different ways, at different times and at different speeds). To know WTF is going on can be enough. To know: this is grief, it feels like all of these things and it is OK and one day it will be better or different. But the second we get a sweet taste of acceptance we just want to leave the rest behind and stay there. Solid and sure that all is as it should be. Which is true. But if you haven’t honoured all the parts fully, they will come back in unexpected moments, and often misdirected, and they can only be held by pushing them down – with numbness or alcohol or some other distraction or substance that momentarily makes things feel better, but long-term destructive.
Until you are ready to truly grieve what was, you can never accept what is. And until you accept ‘what is’ life is a constant struggle against what was and what can be. Running away from or running towards or both at the same time, without any traction.